For the past two weeks I haven’t posted anything. My thoughts have been all over the place, not quite coherent and I wasn’t really sure how I was feeling about everything and at times just felt very numb. I am one that what I am feeling inspires my writing and I just wasn’t feeling( or maybe wasn’t sure what I was feeling) so I just didn’t write. So although I want this blog to be positive, and help people I also feel I need to be honest about “My Journey through Healing” and share the good, the bad and even the ugly! How can I help people if I don’t, so here goes you’re about to hear some of “My Ugly”, I don’t mean to be depressing or bring anyone down but the process is what it is.
My thoughts have been a chaotic mess of past, present, future, all over and in-between. I have had thoughts dwelling on things of past that made me happy, but also trying to figure out how to move forward, where to go now? Grief has such a weird pattern, in that it has no pattern, 5 stages of grief…nope I don’t think so. Grief isn’t broken down into linear stages step 1 step 2 etc. You may be feeling what one of the stages describes but you don’t really stay there for a period of time and then just move on to the next one. Sometimes you jump back, sometimes you skip forward. You may even go through all the “stages” in one day, one hour, one minute, then cycle back start over again and sometimes you just get stuck in the in-between. That’s where I have been these last 2 or so weeks the in-between; I didn’t know what “stage” I was on, I couldn’t pinpoint how I felt about anything emotionally, I wasn’t doing anything that I thought I should be to try and “heal”, so I was just waiting to see what would happen next. Some days I felt bad about the fact that it didn’t seem like I was grieving the way I “should be” or how it’s “supposed to look” and I would sit there and think “Why aren’t you crying” ” You should be feeling worse than this” “What’s wrong with you”. I have a tendency to block things out when things get bad and just shut myself off emotionally and from feeling, I started worrying that maybe that’s what I was doing. Then I started thinking maybe I need to see a therapist or I’m going to be really messed up if I don’t deal with this. I didn’t I just waited it out and then last night I finally broke…
I think I was trying to stay strong, trying to have a good attitude about all of this and honor my Mom. I thought she doesn’t want me to live in a state of anger or sadness, and through that I convinced myself that meant I shouldn’t feel those things either. That I needed to push them away, but that’s not what she wants, I do still need to grieve and feel those things. I think what I finally understood is I AM allowed to feel these things, I’m allowed to be angry, and sad, and not understand why this happened and is still happening. I’m just not supposed to stay there and hang on to it forever and let it consume me. I NEED to feel these things now, and I’m sure I will feel them again too later on maybe several times through-out my life. I got this idea stuck in my head that I needed to be my Mom’s strong little soldier and fight through and be positive, especially because of what she went through and how she handled it. The light and inspiration to all, the mother of 7 fighting cancer and staying positive…yeah she did that, but everyday NO. My mom handled her cancer amazing with so much grace but she didn’t feel like that every minute and hour of everyday. She went through her emotions too she worked through them and tried to stay strong but she wasn’t always happy or never scared of what was to come. I watched her have the bad moments too and it still took me even up until this point as I am writing this to figure all this out. I watched her the last month. she was low at times I don’t think many ever really saw that from her but I did, she cried a lot when we were alone together, she was angry and mad at times too, but she didn’t hang on to it she felt it and let it pass and then she would feel happy, and grateful and blessed and over filled with joy. It’s overwhelming sometimes how much she teaches me even though she is not here physically just from how she lived her life she gave me lessons to keep.
So I am not going to lie but, I’m not doing good right now at all, I’m not sure what happened what triggered it or if it was a compilation of everything but all of sudden last night total emotional break down and it’s not going away, I just got in a bad mood partially about other stuff some just about her not being here, and I just wanted her sooo bad to talk to and pick me up like she always did. Now I just can’t get over it this time and shake it off like I have been or try to be positive, I just want my mom back dammit I don’t want anything else. I don’t care much about anything else. Everything seriously now just seems like total garbage it all means nothing to me, it’s not really what I want, and the stuff that used to seem important seems stupid, everything seems insignificant. I realize I have been holding back a lot of grief as much as I was trying to “deal with it”. I’m starting to just be really upset about this whole messed up situation, why would God take away a mother whose family still needs her, I feel like a hypocrite because this whole time I have spouting off insights like she has a bigger work on the other side to comfort myself and others and I’m not saying that she doesn’t but how I am feeling right now may be selfish may be immature but really what’s so much bigger than a family? Everything is about families and how important they are and now ours as much as we are trying to keep it together and be positive we are kind of just broken right now with out her, It’s not that it can’t or won’t be fixed but that’s just the reality of the situation.
I think maybe some of these feelings are coming up now, after 5 weeks is because the weather here in Colorado for the last few weeks has been crappy and full of spontaneous snow storms followed by maybe one nice day and then more snow and cold. Well Spring finally seems to be coming with the last several days being really nice out. We had a late winter here, and in winter time everything seems dead, and when spring comes finally, life starts sprouting all around and subconsciously I feel like it’s a reminder, that the only thing you really love or want to see alive is dead and it doesn’t cycle back like nature. Also Mothers Day is looming nearer each day, I didn’t think I had been paying that much attention but this is also subconscious you go to the store and see the cards and signs, the commercials every 10 damn seconds on TV and you think you’re ignoring them but you aren’t. Every little mention is a tiny little stab, however small but after awhile you really are being bombarded, so even tiny cuts add up until finally it’s a gaping consuming hole that’s totally overwhelming you.
My whole emotional state seems to be somewhat of a vicious cycle I’m trapped in right now. The whole reason I’m feeling this way is because my Mom is gone, but she was also the only person in the World who could make me feel better during hard times, I’m having a hard time because she is gone and I don’t have her to help me through it, but I wouldn’t even be feeling like this if she was still here, and if I could just have her back I would be fine but I can’t etc etc… You get the picture. It sucks! Period! I have no idea how to make it not stuck. I’m kind of a get my way type of person, I make things happen for myself. If I don’t like something I change it, If I need something I find a way to get it. This is one of those things that I have no power to change at all, I can do, trade, or offer anything to have her back the fact is it’s not going to happen. I’m not talking about the she’s with you in spirit type thing, that’s great but I haven’t really felt that since a few days after the funeral. The evening after her funeral I felt her standing behind me at a friends house with her hands on my shoulders it was very powerful, and then one more time as I was cleaning, since then I haven’t really felt much. A few times at night I have been half asleep and thought I saw her, but I’m known to hallucinate at night so it could just be projected images of my imagination. Who knows? I have had some horrible dreams involving her waking up in her casket before the funeral and being fine, and several of her being alive but she’s always still sick never healthy, so those suck too. I have a lot of painful haunting memories of the end when she was really sick and I am struggling to push those to the back of my mind and think about when she was healthy to the front of my mind, but I’m not there yet. Right now it’s all I can remember…
About a week and half before she passed she was always such a trooper
There is a song by Lana Del Rey, I found and have listened to repeatedly called “Dark Paradise”. I feel it really captures the beauty and sorrow of losing someone you love. I was listening to her music and this song came on and I always listen to lyrics of the songs, not just the beat like some do and as soon as I heard the lyrics I immediately could tell the song was about death; and not a break-up like some think it is. I did a little research to be sure and found out I was right. The song was written about her boyfriend who committed suicide a few years ago, although a different type of love and a different type of death, it still describes the feelings and also the thoughts experienced very acutely. I posted a video of it below with the lyrics because I feel music can be very therapeutic in healing.
One of the lines stood out to me very strongly because it really captured exactly how I was feeling “And there’s no remedy for memory your face
Like a melody, it won’t lift my head, Your soul is hunting me and telling me, That everything is fine, But I wish I was dead” I by no means am suicidal, but I’m sorry there are times when you think about life and you think about death, and after someone you love that much dies you think wow if I were to die that wouldn’t be so bad, because then I could see them again. I don’t think it makes sense unless you’ve felt it, and I’m not trying to promote wanting to feel dead or suicide. The fact just is losing someone you love gives death a whole new meaning. I can say I am no longer afraid to die, I’m not scared of it, because now I feel my Mom will be there, and to me that doesn’t sound bad. My 12 year old brother said almost that that exact thing a few weeks ago, at the time it scared me that he said that and now I’ve just reached the point he was at. I understand it now. He said “when you die at least you get to go to heaven, a place of pure happiness, no pain”, it’s true time is there is meaningless, you’re reunited with other loved ones lost, it’s not bad. Life is what sucks a lot of the time, it hurts, it’s painful, you have to try and muster the strength and continue on after losing someone in a place where time can be long. It can be painful to think of how long or wonder when. When will you get to see them again. There are times of joy and happiness but not all the time. My Mom is the lucky one she has it good all the time now, we don’t and we have no choice but to go through this, and we will, it will be “okay” eventually but it’s life it won’t ever be perfect and even the wonderful happy moments will still be a reminder that she isn’t there to share in them.
The Gate By Christophe Vacher
It’s funny how just losing one person who means a lot suddenly just makes everything and sometimes even everyone kind of insignificant. You appreciate everyone who is there for you and you love them and cherish them too, but when you want that one person and you know you can’t have them, no one else makes up for that. It’s an incomplete puzzle that piece is just always going to be missing now, and no one can replace it their puzzle piece can’t move and fit where hers went and make a complete puzzle. It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle, it just doesn’t work… period! Everyone else has there own place with me right now and I am blessed for what they do and for trying to make me feel better but they aren’t my Mom, and right now I just want MY MOM!!!!! When people talk about loss the word seems so insignificant like you’re talking about a thing but suddenly when the word loss is being used to describe SOMEONE, a person, not an object it seems like so much more than that, the word loss seems so wrong. I feel like her loss envelopes so much more than that, its the future you had planned, the past you may regret, and getting through your present without her there anymore, it’s huge, those moments I was talking about that she is no longer able to share in holidays, graduations, weddings, babies….those moments with her are all lost too. It’s not only her as a person but future moments lost with the person, past moments missed out on with that person, and the in-between moments lacking that person.
Overall I know this is just another part of my journey, I’m going to feel these things but not let my mind become these things. It’s a day by day process. Some days feel like nothing is going on, but it is, it may just be building you up to your next step. It’s important to learn to acknowledge what you’re going through even if it’s not always pleasant and you don’t feel like you should feel like that . It doesn’t make you any lesser or of a person to feel negative things, they are just as much as part of the process of healing. It is important to still look for the positive it’s there too. It’s just not always in the foreground, and you have to give the negative feelings time to dissipate to be able to see the positives they work hand in hand together. I will not dwell and linger in these negative feelings and emotions longer than need be just enough time, and I will still work to find the happiness that I know is there and will come, I think my Mom has taught me enough about life and how to recognize when it’s time to move forward.